True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
