yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
