i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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