When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?