the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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