somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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