just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
