??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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