she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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