Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
