i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
