My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so let's talk penis.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
