Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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