two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
