I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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