The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
