i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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