I must be too annoying 4 u.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
is wine microwaveable?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
