We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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