a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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