apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
