I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
