Acid is not a monday night drug
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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