she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
