Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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