it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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