he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
