I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
