Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
