My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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