the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
