$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
