I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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