yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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