i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
