Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
