i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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