Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
