I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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