I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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