Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
