how hairy? two words: wookie tits
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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