Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
