The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
