Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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