This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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