Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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