did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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