I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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