I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?