That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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