On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
