On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
