My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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