I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
