I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
