So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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