Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
