I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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