There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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