i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
