I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
