I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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